Jason Rights Sookie and Eric's Story
by EricBonesVladCurran
Summary: Jason makes Sookie read a story he wrote. Epic failure ensues. No spoilers, even for non-book readers.


_Eric, Sookie and Jason are Ms. Charlaine Harris' creations, I'm just borrowing them for a moment. _

_Set after D&G, but there are no real spoilers._

_Sookie's POV_

My forehead crinkled with worry and I felt a ball of anxiety radiating in my chest.

"So you want me to.... What, Jason?"

"Don't you want to read my story, Sookie?" Jason asked with exasperation, "I mean, I thought you'd be proud of me going back to school . And besides, I wrote it about you."

"What?" _This is not going to end well_, I thought to myself.

"Yup! You're going to love it, Sookie-just give it a read. I'll even order us pizza so you don't have to cook me lunch. Just, uh, where's your wallet?"

I gave Jason a stony glare, but despite my internal alarm system ringing loudly, I picked up the printed pages and started reading.

_His name was Conan, Conan the Vampire Barbarian._

"Jason-Eric is a Viking! Different place on earth and different time in history."

He shrugged and smiled, "Keep reading-you haven't gotten to the good part yet!"

I shook my head and thought to myself, _Well, they didn't speak Greek, so I suppose the Vikings _were_ sometimes referred to as barbarians, but still!_

_Conan really wanted to get Saakie in the sack._

I rolled my eyes. "Saakie? Really? Could you think of a less transparent name for my character?"

Jason looked confused, so I clarified.

"Could you have chosen a name that made it any more obvious you were writing about me?"

He shrugged, "I could change it 'Sookie if you like,'" he replied while stuffing his face with the pizza which had just arrived-(Jason just had an abandoned pizza that was ready delivered to my house). I grimaced and continued reading.

_Conan had a fantastic car. It was a turbo-powered 2010 red Corvette pimped out with all the possible accessories and features. It had two separate climate controls, leather seats that felt like you were sleeping on a chubby baby cow, a holder specifically made to fit iPhones and Blackberries, an HD connection to satellite radio, 16 surround sound speakers fitted all the way around the-_

"Is this a story about Saakie and Conan, or about a car?"

"I'm just setting the scene, that's all," he took a big bite and continued speaking while chewing with his mouth gaping open, "People want to be able to picture every last detail of everything in the story. It's my job as the writer to give them that!"

"I guess seeing Eric's car last week really made an impression on you," I sighed. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and continued reading-skipping down a few paragraphs to get past the description of every last detail of Eric's car.

_Conan was a badass vampire, so he got to do lots of badass things like hang out with hot vampire babes and drive his badass car around. When someone wanted a badass thing done, they called Conan. Conan ordered the group of hot vampire babes that hung around him two be quiet. "Your giving me a headache and its not kewl that your doing that!" He pointed at too twin blondes, "You to!"_

"Uh, Jason?" I decided to not point out the typos and grammatical errors-there were much bigger fish to fry.

"Huh?"

"When does _Saakie _come into the story?" I had started skimming ahead-afraid of what "Badass Conan" would do next.

"Ummm...." he snatched the packet of paper out of my hands and started flipping through the pages. After a while he found what he was looking for, "There! On page five," Jason smiled triumphantly.

I was trying to give his story a fair shot, but I didn't think I could read five pages of what Jason thought vampires (and, specifically, Eric) were like without causing bodily damage to my brother.

"Wha-what did you write about for five pages?"

"Oh, you know, Conan going to get his car detailed, Conan feeding on lots of hot chicks, Conan going on a murder spree."

"What!?" I shrieked.

Sure, Eric had killed a lot of people in his unlife, but he didn't do it for kicks-he was too smart of a businessman and too good at strategy to be senselessly violent. I decided not to take Jason to task-maybe it made sense in the context of the story...somehow. Maybe Saakie broke up with Conan because of it. I took a deep breath and asked Jason.

"Nah. It doesn't have to do with Saakie at all. I just thought it would be fun to write about all the stuff Conan the vampire barbarian would do."

"But I thought you...But... It doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the story!"

"Yeah? So what? People want to read about what he does in his free time like going to the store and ordering minions to do stupid things so they amuse him."

I groaned, but being the good sister I am, (though I'm not really sure why I bother at this point), I dutifully read on, starting at the point Saakie appeared.

_Conan went to see Saakie. She let him in and was nice to him, but she didn't let him hump her write away so he started to cry. _

"WHAT?! Conan, the murdering 'badass' vampire starts crying because Saakie didn't immediately yield to him?"

"Well, I'm trying to show how much of an effect Saakie has on Conan."

"You aren't showing character development at all, Jason! You set up this hardcore killer who does whatever he wants and doesn't care what anyone thinks, and then all of a sudden he turns into a sniveling, pathetic, loser?! It just doesn't make sense!"

Jason had apparently tuned me out by that point because he didn't even bother replying. He just sat at my kitchen table, gnawing on pizza he had purchased with my money. Maybe I was morbidly curious, because I kept reading the story.

_Then he started reading the love poem he wrote to get in her pants. _

"_Bump, tiss. Bump, tiss. Bump, tiss. _

_You let me violate you  
You let me desecrate you  
You let me penetrate you  
You let me complicate you  
(Help me...)  
I broke apart my insides  
(Help me...)  
I've got no soul to sell  
(Help me...)  
The only thing that works for me  
Help me get away from myself, _

_I want to-"_

The crude song continued on, but I didn't bother reading it. I recognized it as being one of Jason's favorite songs when we were younger, Nine Inch Nails' _Closer_. I looked back at the paper and I cringed when I realized he wrote out every. Last. Lyric. Sound effects included.

"Jason," I began, losing all hope Jason would pass this class, "What's the point in slowing down the entire story just to include someone else's words?"

Jason shrugged obliviously, "I like the song a lot, and it seemed appropriate."

I flipped the stapled pages shut so the cover page was showing once again and dropped it onto the table. I was done reading. I _really_ didn't want to know what my brother wrote would happen after Conan shared his "poem" about violent sex. Knowing Jason, there would be some cliched pornographic scene. Again, I _really_ didn't want to read another word my brother had written.

"Jason, why did you even decide to write about me and Eric?" I asked, exasperated.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to, but the stupid prof gave us an assignment to write about human-vamp'r relationships."

I lifted the coffee stained paper and looked at it warily.

"What class is this assignment for, Jason?"

"Sociopathology."

My eyes narrowed. "Are you sure you weren't suppose to write a _research_ paper on human-vampire _relations_ for your _sociology_ class?"

"Whatever," he huffed, "I like it, and I'm sure it'll get good reviews."

"Reviews?! As in multiple? Exactly who will be reading this?"

"Oh, well, you see, we posted these online for people in our class to read and review."

"Wait. You mean you willingly published this, with your name on it, for all the world to see?"

Jason beamed brightly, "That's right! It's been up for a week now and it already has one review!"

I had no energy left in me to do anything but smile weakly and think to myself, _Life is hard, but it's harder when you're stupid._

**A/N: I _just _discovered the forums last night and I was inspired by a contest ("Your cliché is showing") and a weekly one-shot challenge ("Life is hard, but it's harder when you're stupid.") I'm not eligible for either, but I thought of a way to combine the two and I just couldn't resist writing this silly short. I hope it gave you some entertainment! :) **

**Oh, and, uh, as this is my first SVM fic, I'm not above pimping out my two favorite True Blood stories. _Aftermath_ and then _You Deserve Much Better_ take place after the rooftop scene in season two and follow Sookie and Eric instead of the Mary Ann storyline. I published _Aftermath_ before the next episode even aired, so any similarities to Sookie's dream about going to Eric's room are coincidental. Besides, I like my version better. :-P**


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